In honor of the New York Giants sliming their way into the Super Bowl, our unlicensed astrologists present you your horoscopes based on your favorite mediocre Super Bowl loser.
1985 New England Patriots
You will try to seduce a law student by asking if you can subpoena her to come home with you. This will not amuse her, nor will your suggestions that she "reform your torts."
2005 Seattle Seahawks
You will wait outside your girlfriend's sorority for a half hour for her to come out. It would have been helpful if she had her phone with her.
1977 Denver Broncos
You will chant an Australian drinking song to yourself, as you funnel your first beer. Then you'll headbutt a kangaroo.
2000 New York Giants
You will find yourself wondering why Toure can't write a story without making himself a character in it. This is your life.
1969 Minnesota Vikings
Your roommate will get busted for smoking pot and "hide" all of his liquor and marijuana on your side of the room. Best friends forever.
1989 Denver Broncos
You and a friend will split two trays of Jell-O shots at a party. This will please your fellow partygoers, if not the people who made the shots for the whole room to share.
1998 Atlanta Falcons
As the night draws to a close, you will put a cigarette into your mouth backwards. Less amusing is when you try to drink a beer backwards.
1995 Pittsburgh Steelers
You will observe a man ask a woman at the gym to spot him while he does preacher curls. The rest of your workout will be ruined, due to you constant laughter.
1983 Washington Redskins
An English and textual studies major will ask you why your participle is dangling. You will not know why.
1994 San Diego Chargers
Your 11-hour work days will help you lose seven pounds in the first week back to school. To celebrate, you will buy a T-shirt that says "Let's Get Svelte."
2006 Chicago Bears
You will listen to the voters and find your voice - monotonous, uninspiring and bland. Go get 'em HC!
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)
You will play poorly and single-handedly lose a game for your team. Way to go, Brett Favre. Cameron Diaz was right to not pick you, although Healy and Woogie were the best options.
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