I hate stilettos.
Sure they are sexy as hell and can accentuate a great pair of legs, but seriously girls, do you need to be 6 feet 5 inches? I mean, come on, you always complain about not being able to find a good guy, yet you deliberately exclude a good percentage of the population by purposefully lengthening your appendages. Real smart. Sorry, it's a sore subject and I have a short temper (ugh ...). But if you've ever been mistaken for a senior in high school when you are a senior in college, consistently been picked last in gym class or had to strain your neck to see your prom date, you know what I mean.
I know everybody always says you should be happy with the way you are, but you know what? That sucks. You try having to do pull-ups when you're reaching for the support bar on the bus, having your feet dangle when you are on a barstool, making it look like your parents are taking you out for ice cream, asking for a girl's number when it looks like she could be baby-sitting you (come to think of it ... that might be a fun scenario). If it sounds like I'm ranting, it's because I am. I'm an angry short man who can't relieve any of his tension because you know what? Apparently short people don't get the girl. It's often said that short people are unlucky in love and politics. I'M A POLITICAL SCIENCE MAJOR! That's just great. I guess it's a good thing I won't get the girl, because now I won't even be able to afford the girl because I will have no job. Hence the anger.
Napoleon? Now there's a guy who knows what I'm talking about. He took his anger out on most of Western Europe. Sure, he was a tyrannical dictator, but I'm sure it all started out when he was constantly chosen to play the lead Munchkin in his school productions of "The Wizard of Oz." This is one step up from having to play Toto, which by the way was also offered (true story). So, I can sympathize.
It's also not fun having to scour stores for shoes with four-inch treads just to be able to look people in the eye. Like George Costanza said, "I can't go from eye to chin." My friends always tease me about being attracted to younger girls. You want to know why? It's because they are the ones who look my age. And if it means dating a bunch of prepubescent preteens to make me feel better, then so be it (kidding ... sort of).
Here is a funny story, not ha-ha funny, but a "this sucks" funny. I'm a pretty hot guy. Seriously. And back in my younger days, I was offered a modeling contract. At first I was thrilled, thinking that I had finally overcome my height-induced anger and broken the vertical barrier for short hot people everywhere. That is, until I started noticing a trend in the types of shoots they were sending me to. Put on these red overalls and play with this wagon! Have fun in that sandbox! This was my direction while the camera was clicking away. After a few days of this, I promptly walked away from the modeling world and my contract (thanks but no thanks, Gap Kids).
This sucks because it's proof that I'm close but not close enough. I'm a certified hottie, but because of my abbreviated stature, I can't become the serious model that I long to be. Its even worse when people tell me, "Wow, you're so good looking. You could be a model if you were a little bit taller." Thanks. I hadn't realized that. Like the proverbial dwarf who is trying to get into Snow White's pants, I'm so close yet so far.
So in closing, I hope you learned a lot from my narrative about the woes of a compact cutie. All of life's problems can be attributed to my pint-sized position. But then again, maybe I'm just selling myself short.
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