Kelly Ripa just got sacked — in a good way.

In a week that featured the return of Peyton Manning, the debut of Robert Griffin III and a tornado-interrupted “home” game for the Orange, the biggest news from the gridiron is from a player who has been retired for five years.

Michael Strahan is replacing Regis Philbin on “Live! With Kelly.” America’s toothless wonder is still waiting for word from ABC on whether he can ask, “Is that your final answer?” in primetime.

I’m sure football purists are outraged that I’m bringing more attention to this than any of the storylines from the NFL or college football. Here is a recap: The Bills still suck, the Orange still lost, the Giants still won’t care until Week 10 and the geography teachers — or replacement referees — didn’t screw up too many calls. Nothing too groundbreaking.

But Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan?

The NFL’s single-season sack record holder is now going to be regaling housewives with tales of Tom Coughlin’s locker room. Now the whole world is really going to know how Eli compares to his brother Peyton.

According to ESPN, Strahan beat out the likes of Josh Groban and Seth Meyers for the spot alongside Ripa. Reports from unreliable sources claim that Groban insisted on having a Christmas tree on stage all year and that Meyers turned down the offer due to his fear of beautiful women. He will remain Amy Poehler’s co-host on “Weekend Update.”

Maybe I’m wrong. I’ve never really watched a lot of daytime television that doesn’t include a Top 10 or Corey getting Shawn out of trouble with Mr. Feeny. Perhaps Strahan can reel in the stay-at-home dad demographic. Strahan’s other gig, “Fox NFL Sundays,” could use Ripa to make Howie Long or Terry Bradshaw sound intelligent by comparison.

Personally, I like Strahan. He’s a fairly personable guy who is good at what he does. However, he was not the best selection. I am willing to bet your next tuition bill that I can find a better selection here on campus. Here are my choices:

Officer Joe Shanley ­– Let’s be serious for a moment. Who doesn’t love Department of Public Safety Officer Joe Shanley? A recent straw poll of my neighbors suggests that not only is he the nicest DPS officer they know, he is the only one they know. Tell me housewives won’t love watching Officer Friendly in uniform.

State University of New York College of Environmental Science and Forestry President Cornelius Murphy – I’ve only ever seen this guy at freshman convocation and at graduations, but he seems like the grandfather type. We can just have him talk about birds and squirrels. More importantly, have you seen his hat? That hat needs its own show.

That awkward blonde waiter – Anyone who has been to the Goldstein Alumni and Faculty Center knows exactly who I’m talking about. There’s that one blonde waiter who is kind of obnoxious, but charming in his own way. I just wish he would calm down about desserts. But the Snickers Pie is really good. You should probably get one to go.

Otto the Orange – This Orange would finally make Ripa’s tan look normal. His head is slightly smaller than previous host Philbin’s, so cameramen would love it. You have orange juice for breakfast; now drink it with Kelly and Otto.

My Grandpa Cletus – Not many of you have met my Grandpa Cletus, but he is a warm-hearted, blue-blooded son of the South who would kill you with kindness, as long as you brought him a Pabst Blue Ribbon first. National audiences would love to hear about the time Grandpa Cletus won the tri-state area cornhole tournament, or how he was the inspiration for “Forrest Gump.” Give the people what they want. Give them Grandpa Cletus and a PBR.

Brett Fortnam is a senior newspaper journalism and political philosophy major who will be unemployed in nine months. His column appears every Thursday until there are enough complaints to make him stop. He can be reached at [email protected], but he will not respond.

Published on September 13, 2012 at 1:33 am