Just in case you missed the 90s, Syracuse University is bringing them back in style. On Tuesday night, the Carrier Dome will feature a cast of musicians last seen together at the 1996 Grammy Awards. Actually, I lied. Some of them are way too old for that.

Among the performers is the producer of John Mayer’s latest album (Don Was) — I think that’s enough of a joke in it of itself. One performer is best known for being married to Alicia Keys (Swizz Beatz) and someone else inconceivably changed his name to that of the Prince in the cult classic, “The Princess Bride” (Engelbert Humperdinck). Also, when did the Dave Matthews Band change its name to just Dave Matthews? It’s not like the university can’t afford the whole group.

I hold a personal grudge against Andy Grammer because his single “Keep Your Head Up” played on loop at Lowe’s while I worked there this summer. When I told one friend that Cyndi Lauper was performing she replied, “She’s still alive?” Personally, I’m surprised that all the hair dye that she used in the 80s didn’t result in her and the Dalai Lama having the same hairstyle now.

Whoopi Goldberg is emceeing, although I don’t know how — it sounds like she has been losing her voice for the past 20 years. The Dalai Lama will probably be the only one in the audience old enough to remember David Crosby performing “Tambourine Man” with The Byrds. I’m not sure anyone will even recognize him when he’s not alongside Stephen Stills, Graham Nash or Neil Young.

There are a few real baffling things about the set up of this concert. The concert is supposedly four hours long and features 26 performers. Counting Crows won’t even have time to get to the second verse of “Mr. Jones” at that rate.

The other thing I just can’t figure out is how this particularly eclectic group of artists was chosen. I hope it was based on the potential for absurdly awkward situations. Perhaps His Holiness can spread his inner peace and put to rest the feud between Nas and Jay-Z while Nas is in his presence. How exactly can Counting Crows get along with Nelly Furtado when she’s “Like a Bird”? The good news is that if the Dalai Lama gets down due to our rather atrocious weather, he can just ask Natasha Bedingfield for a “Pocketful of Sunshine.” I’m sure she’ll be willing to share.

I had to Google a few of these artists because I didn’t know who they were. Luckily, most of them still have functioning Myspace accounts that appeared at the top of my search results.  Thankfully, SU’s One World website just recently added biographies to the artists’ pages. Otherwise, how would I know that Engelbert Humperdinck’s voice “comes from heaven”?  If the website is accurate and Andy Madadian is truly the Persian Elvis, does that mean that young women will be throwing clothes at him?

Personally, I am thrilled to have the Dalai Lama visit and I am also excited to go to the concert next week. Why he wants to come to a university in the middle of nowhere, though, I haven’t the faintest clue. Perhaps it was our high crime rate or increased gang activity that drew him to our beloved city. I will give SU credit: Instead of calling the gang violence equivalent of the Ghostbusters, it brought in someone with at least as much star power as Bill Murray.

Brett Fortnam is a senior newspaper journalism and political philosophy major who will be unemployed in nine months. His column appears every Thursday until there are enough complaints to make him stop. He can be reached at [email protected], but he will not respond.

Published on October 4, 2012 at 12:14 am