Halloween has changed throughout the years.

As small children, the sight of freaky-looking pumpkins made us grip mommy’s hand a little tighter. As young adolescents, it meant a crap-ton of free candy from strangers — ones who weren’t sitting in a giant white van, at least. As teenagers it meant battling in shaving cream wars and toilet papering the house of the teacher that gave you a D.

Now as college students, it means the same thing as every other weekend, except now you’re expected to wear a costume. Given the choice, I would take the free candy every time.

The Halloween that I celebrated as a young child and the Halloween that I celebrate now have almost nothing in common. About the only thing that’s the same is the fact that society demands that I hide behind a mask. Honestly I’m surprised that they only demand that of me once a year.

As kids we would hope that Linus finally sees the Great Pumpkin. Now we hope that Ted from “How I Met Your Mother” gets his chance with Slutty Pumpkin. Instead of boys dressing up as police officers and firemen, sorostitutes and frat bros dress up like strippers pretending to be cops and frat daddies, which creates a whole new definition for “fire hose.” If a nurse ever walked into an examination room dressed the way nurses will be represented on Halloween, you could be sure of one of just two things: She is either about to tell you that you do in fact have an STD and is just being extraordinarily cruel, or you’re dreaming.

I don’t understand when Halloween became an excuse for girls to walk around half naked. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. I’m just merely pointing out that it doesn’t make any sense. Wouldn’t Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees be more likely to carve you up like Thanksgiving dinner if your shirt only goes down to your belly button? Granted, this is college, so from Thursday to Saturday you can expect girls to be pretty scantily clad. But last year was the first, and hopefully last, time I have ever seen Barack Obama in a bikini.

The scariest thing about this holiday is the guys who decide to undress for the occasion too. It is one thing to wear drag on Halloween, but it’s another to wear your girlfriend’s thong to a house party. I would prefer to have the boogeyman take up a permanent residence under my bed than see that. Guys, I have some more advice for you: Dressing up as a doctor and “giving away free mammograms” isn’t going to work this year either. Your chances won’t be any better this weekend than they were last weekend. It will do you no good to wear a noose around your neck so you can tell the girls that you’re, well — if you have to say that you’re probably compensating for something.

My favorite part about Halloween at this age — other than ABC Family’s “13 Nights of Halloween,” because who doesn’t love that? — is watching my fellow classmates get creative. This is the only time of year that you’ll see the rich Syracuse princes and princesses shopping in The Salvation Army. It’s not as simple as walking into a Halloween store anymore. Anybody can do that. It takes real talent to think of dressing up like Big Bird but with a Mitt Romney mask on.  Dressing up like Dumbledore is so sixth grade. Throw a football helmet on him and you have fantasy football.

Brett Fortnam is a senior newspaper journalism and political philosophy major who will be unemployed in seven months. His column appears every Thursday until there are enough complaints to make him stop. He can be reached at [email protected], but he will not respond.

Published on October 25, 2012 at 1:01 am