’Tis the season for college football bowl games.

For about a month, college football will take center stage as powerhouse giants. Teams such as the Toledo Rockets and the Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders will duel in storied games like the GoDaddy.com and the Little Caesars Pizza bowls.

But the most interesting football will not be found in any of these bowl games. It won’t be found during the NFL playoffs, or even at the Super Bowl. It will be found in a 50-yard indoor facility with seven-on-seven teams of players wearing hockey helmets and shoulder pads — and not much else.

Fans, it’s time to take your talents to the Lingerie Football League.

This beautiful demonstration of the human body in motion takes the models from the Page 12 centerfold of your favorite issue of Playboy and puts them in your favorite sport. I guess someone was listening to all those prayers. Buttonhooks have been replaced with bra hooks, and the term “go deep” takes on a whole new meaning.

There are so many great things about this league that I’m not even sure where to start. For one, there aren’t any burly linemen kicking other men in the crotch. The only performance-enhancing drug is silicone, and the league features perhaps the best use of instant replay ever. If I were the one behind the replay booth, every single play would be reviewed over and over. And over. And over again.

Tired of watching the ongoing soap opera that is the Philadelphia Eagles? Flip over to the Philadelphia Passion and watch a team that can actually win. Think Eli Manning throws like a girl? Then you haven’t seen the cannon that Nikki Johnson of the Las Vegas Sin carries around. Her 151.9 quarterback rating would make even Aaron Rodgers blush. But he might blush after getting a look at her legs, too.

Nobody would call Tom Brady “pretty” anymore after taking a look at Tessa Barrera, outside linebacker for the Los Angeles Temptation. I do not believe that there is a man alive who would mind getting sacked by that Temptation.

The sport is on the rise. According to a recent SB Nation article, the league is going “legit,” and Bloomberg Businessweek has referred to the sport as the “fastest growing sports league in the United States.” God bless America.

This game isn’t just for the centerfolds. The Lingerie League went viral on YouTube after a quarterback ran over her would-be tackler. It’s a good thing the defender was well equipped with her own personal shock absorbers, as otherwise we might have been looking at a serious injury. And that probably wouldn’t have been all we’d be looking at.

As if this league wasn’t fantastic enough, there is even a fantasy league. My fantasy has a fantasy league. I can now pick my favorite Lingerie League supermodel athletes based on key statistics such as rushing yards, receptions and hair color.

Christmas is coming, so be sure to buy your loved one a game-used “uniform” offered on the league’s website. Don’t worry, though: Fresher pairs of “Tight End” thongs are also available.

These athletes are truly showing everything they have out on the turf, and I applaud them for their efforts. These very well-rounded individuals have their lives in perfect balance.

So next time you get tired of watching the Jets make a mockery of the game of football, check out the Lingerie Football League, a true American sport.

Brett Fortnam is a senior newspaper journalism and political philosophy major who will be unemployed in six months. His column appears every Thursday until there are enough complaints to make him stop. He can be reached at [email protected], but he will not respond.

Published on November 29, 2012 at 1:10 am