Winter Break is a special time of the year for serious drinkers. And by special, I mean expensive. Did you know that “real” bars expect you to pay more than $3.50 for a pitcher? You probably did because, as we all know, college isn’t real life.

Just because I enter the real world when I go home for the semester doesn’t mean I plan on leaving my cheap, boozing ways behind me. If you want to pre-game while still spending time downtown, you can get creative about getting sauce to fly under the radar. The obvious solution is to add liquor to a fountain soda. But this is Beer Bites, not Liquor Swigs, so we’re going to make this a 200-level class.

Grab a large cup and instead of pouring soda into it, leave a layer of ice on the bottom. Toss a beer can on top of the ice bed and you’re all set — to drink your beer through a straw. Not the greatest solution but folks on the Internet are trying to innovate for your convenience.

While environmentalists may not like the plastic rings that hold six packs together, you can use them to travel from party to party without getting an open container violation. When you’re ready to hit the streets, squeeze your brewski right back in. You know you’re going to look intelligent with this manoeuvre, and you’re almost guaranteed to receive a series of text messages with punctuation arranged to look like smiley faces.

Not everyone likes to sneak around. I personally abhor the idea of fashioning an alcoholic machine gun in a violin case and prefer to openly flaunt my drinking. The best way to do this is to wrap a sock around your beer and pretend it’s hot whenever you take a sip. This will confuse the police into thinking you’re just having a cup of coffee.

I asked an old man how he used to drink in public, and he offered an unorthodox but straightforward solution. He and his best friend used to kill a case of Genny and then throw them off of a bridge. Whoever threw the can the furthest scored a point and the lower scorer had to buy drinks at the bar that night.

Remember that littering is bad, so if you want to try this at home, maybe explore the bathtub for possibilities.

—Compiled by Dylan Sorenson, staff writer, [email protected]

Published on January 15, 2013 at 10:44 pm

Contact Dylan: [email protected]