I’m writing a column right now that’s going to be published in newsprint and read by literally hundreds of people who are between classes and eating lunch in the Schine Student Center.

Casual, right? Simultaneously, it’s going to be published on the Internet, where anyone in the world could read it. If President Barack Obama felt so inclined, he could totally read this column.

The President of the United States, guys. So casual.

It has become apparent to me that the meaning of the word “casual” has taken on a slightly (read: not slight at all) ironic twist in the social media age. Look at this sweeping view of the five-star resort from my vacation! Casual. Check out all this booze we bought for the party tonight! Casual. Look, I casually ran into this huge celebrity and we took a casual picture together!

Casual.

“Casual” is the succinct, modern version of “Oh, this old thing? I just throw this on when I don’t care how I look!” It’s the new false modesty, a flippant means of braggadocio while attempting to appear self-effacing.

Here’s the thing, everyone: let’s just stop pretending to be bashful about our demonstrative posts on the Internet. We all know the subtext. We all know what we’re really trying to say. We want to show everyone how awesome we are and what great lives we’re leading.

Which I suppose is fine, there’s really no escaping the self-aggrandizing nature of social media anymore. But if that’s how we’re going to be, let’s at least call a spade, a spade. If you’re doing something cool, then hooray! Shout it from the rooftops. This Kanye-shrugging-off of great, fun and exciting things not only insults the intellect, it also conveys a lack of appreciation for such good fortune.

Yes, I’m playing the children-starving-in-India-would-love-to-be-in-your-shoes card.

So, when composing your exalted Facebook status, or adding a caption to your Instagram photo of some high-falutin’ dessert you ordered, don’t pretend like it’s casual. It’s not. It’s cool. Forget modesty. Just be a bragging jerk and be proud of it, unless you’re trying to infuriate an ex who dumped you. Then the gloves are off. Show the Internet how much fun you’re having and how much happier you are now that he or she is out of your life. You deserve better.

Look, maybe some good will come of this. By ending our cavalier false modesty and just being honest about wanting to brag, maybe you’ll catch yourself. You’ll stop in the midst of posting a picture of your vacation sunset and think ‘Huh, maybe it’s kind of sucky to rub this in the faces of all of my friends stuck in 20-degree weather.’ And maybe you’ll save that picture for your own enjoyment instead of for the schadenfreude of posting it publicly. That’s all I’m saying.

Oh, and Barack, I know you’re totally reading this, so hi! Good luck with your next term!

Just talked to the president, guys. How casual is that?

Kevin Slack is a senior television, radio and film major. His column appears weekly. He can be reached at [email protected] and followed on Twitter @kevinhslack.

Published on January 15, 2013 at 1:00 am