I’m on a mission. A mission to get hate mail.

You see, nowadays, the best way to achieve media fame and influence isn’t through balanced, thoughtful discourse. No, you get famous by saying the craziest stuff you can possibly think of.

Go online and you’ll see a new example every day. Alex Jones petitioning to deport Piers Morgan. Donald Trump demanding to see President Barack Obama’s birth certificate. Skip Bayless saying, well, anything. Just as long as people are tuning in to hear what wild thought they’ll broadcast next, who cares what anyone thinks?

In a culture becoming increasingly attention-obsessed, being a total lunatic is fine, just as long as people are talking about you. I think we’ve taken the “any publicity is good publicity” statute a bridge too far.

Be that as it may, for in my blood lust to become the world’s most powerful college columnist, I, too, must write ridiculous things. So it goes.

Thus, it gives me great pride to announce I have unearthed new evidence that proves beyond any doubt that the John F. Kennedy assassination was perpetrated by a group of bears. Disagree with me? Share this article with everyone you know, and add some comment about how nutty I am.

You will play right into my hands, foolish peon-reader.

Any time I see someone screaming about Bill O’Reilly, Michael Moore or any other lunatic flavor of the week, I can’t help but smile to myself. Our current news cycle has turned audience baiting into an art form, self-expression that seems to be on a higher plane of brilliance.

Really, does anyone think Trump has kept his head above water by making shrewd business decisions? He used to bankrupt casinos!

Here’s the blueprint: The Donald opens his mouth and says there are “questions” about whether Obama was born in the United States. Everyone loses their minds because, obviously, that is a ridiculous notion. As the Donald keeps yammering on, everyone continues to obsess about how crazy he is.

Meanwhile, the “Trump” name is attached to a reality show, clothing line, bunch of hotels, books … you name it.

Do you see the line of logic? Whenever Bayless says something silly on “First Take,” or Rush Limbaugh calls a prominent social activist a slut, the Internet explodes with everyone sharing the sound bite and ranting about the insanity.

That’s exactly what Rush and Skip want. Ratings.

And I want ratings, too. Here’s another try: I think the best way to cut down on gun violence is to give out assault weapons to everyone. I’ve done several scholarly studies on the subject, and my conclusion – which is iron-clad, by the way – is that we all need guns. It’s mutually assured destruction. Hey, that worked during the Cold War with nuclear missiles, right?

If you think I’m wrong, well, you’re a silly goose. Write me an angry email and continue to read my column so you can continue to throw up your hands and roll your eyes in indignant disgust.

Or you could ignore me. You pay attention to those who have a reasonable point to make, those who back up their arguments with evidence and don’t resort to petty name-calling and ad hominem personal attacks. Scoff at the Fox News fanatics, the MSNBC maniacs and then never mention them again. Mute Sean Hannity. It’s pretty easy.

But failing that, send me some furious emails. Please, I’m begging you. With your self-righteous outrage and my provocative, silly opinions, together we can turn me into a mogul.

Kevin Slack is a senior television, radio and film major. His column appears weekly. He can be reached at [email protected] and followed on Twitter at @kevinhslack.

 

Published on February 5, 2013 at 2:10 am