With Spring Break just around the corner, warm weather is surely approaching fast. Beach bodies will soon be on full display, and you know what that means: lots and lots of exercise, dieting and Pilates!

But in all seriousness, the gyms at Syracuse University are about to be packed to the rafters with ladies and gents panicking about Spring Break and hoping they can throw together a six pack in the next two weeks. It’s going to be mayhem. There will be cut-up T-shirts and leggings, and awkward passing nods everywhere.

That said, I think it’s time we laid out some guidelines for gym etiquette – a few rules beyond, “Wipe off the machines when you’re done sweating on them” and “Don’t steal stuff from people.”

I work out when I can – and by “work out” I mean “lifting small European cars and running half-marathons,” just to clarify – and I’ve noticed some things that really need to change.

The first is people who show up and run on a treadmill for five minutes while wearing a plaid shirt and jeans. Why are you doing that? Is your schedule so jammed that you literally don’t have time to change or run for more than five minutes at a time? Do you just walk around the rest of the day wearing your sweaty lumberjack shirt?

This must stop. It’s ruining my concentration while trying to focus on bench-pressing 10,000 pounds.

Even worse than this are the guys who dress like they’re about to do a triathlon – iPod strapped to the arm, fingerless gloves, Under Armour everything – and then proceed to walk around the gym for hours, doing nothing.

Seriously, this is a real phenomenon. They’ll pace around, occasionally sitting at a machine for a few moments, sporadically messing with their workout playlists, a little stretching here and there. I’m no fitness expert, even though I can crush steel between my thighs, but I’ve seen what dudes working out looks like, and that definitely ain’t it.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen bros spike their dumbbells into the ground like footballs and then scream at themselves in the mirror. If you’ve lifted a weight up and then put it back down a few times, let’s not celebrate like you just singlehandedly won World War II, OK? Health and fitness is definitely important, but not as important as, I don’t know, figuring out who kidnapped the Lindbergh baby.

There is also the tendency for gym-goers to photograph themselves with their cellphone mid-workout. Because of course you have to fully document how you got your sweat on that day and show it to the world.

I was on a rowing machine the other day and the guy on the machine next to me finished his workout, then promptly took a picture of the digital display showing how far he rowed and immediately uploaded it to Facebook.

I have to ask, what’s the best outcome from doing that, really? After you upload the picture, does some hot girl notice and think, “Wow, this guy must be super ripped and now I want to hook up with him!”

Wait, is that what actually happens? Am I missing out on something awesome?

Regardless, let’s end the self-preening and aggrandizing that has become so prevalent in our hallowed exercise institutions. Let’s just show up like normal people, wearing normal exercise clothes, do our workouts and leave. This way, we can all be ripped and no one will be uncomfortable. Deal? Deal.

Kevin Slack is a senior television, radio and film major. His column appears weekly. He can be reached at [email protected] and followed on Twitter at @kevinhslack.

Published on February 26, 2013 at 1:45 am