Anthony Weiner does not owe me an apology. I am not his wife, one of his victims or his manhood.

Milwaukee Brewers left-fielder Ryan Braun, who was suspended without pay for the rest of the 2013 season for violating Major League Baseball’s substance abuse policy, does owe me an apology. I am a baseball fan who has forked over far too many Hamiltons and Jacksons to watch him play every time he comes to my native Philadelphia.

We are a generation growing up in an age where everyone knows everything about almost every high-profile public figure. Since these people are successful in highly visible fields, we expect them to apologize to us for every little indiscretion. This has saturated the concept to the point where a public apology is about as sincere as Bernie Madoff.

But as much as we joke about public apologies, they are still they are still important for impressionable young people.

Therefore, it’s time to set some guidelines.

Who owes an apology?

We are all heavily influenced by public figures. Whether it’s conscious or subconscious, we have all done something because we saw someone do it on television.

A public individual should apologize to the masses in three cases:

First, an apology is appropriate if he or she galvanizes us into wasting our money and our time. These are the entertainers like Braun.

More than anything, deceitful entertainers cheat our perceptions of human possibility. As baseball fans in the 1990s, we all thought athletic evolution was on steroids.

Second, an apology is necessary if he or she has a negative influence on the behavior of a large group. These are the public voices that electrify the masses with a negative message and build legions of fervent followers.

For instance, even if a radio personality barked the N-word and the C-word into a mic for five straight hours, he would actually be less of a chauvinistic bigot than Rush Limbaugh.

Yet Limbaugh is the most popular radio host in the country, proving that a lot of people take kindly to his deliberate insensitivities. For perpetuating this bigotry over a 25-year career, a guy like Limbaugh owes us an apology.

Third, an apology is required if he or she committed a heinous act that harmed more than one person. These are “the unforgiveables,” the Jerry Sanduskys of the world. Not a single person with feelings would forgive these despicable people after their public apologies.

Now, what settings and circumstances should ensure sincerity?

The victims should choose the settings and circumstances of the apology. Is it really fair that when a public figure harms the public, he gets to choose when the rest of us stop what we are doing and listen? Of course not.

If you want a second chance, we get to embarrass the crap out of you first. Paula Deen, your next public apology will be syndicated on BET. You will be dressed in a leopard toga.

This way, culprits are so thoroughly humiliated, it’s impossible for them not to feel remorse for what they did.

Finally, who doesn’t owe us an apology?

Raging hedonists. None of us have perfected the intrinsically awkward pursuit of sex. So, when your salacious side gets the best of you, Mr. Public Figure, don’t go qualify as a sex addict (Tiger Woods).

Just do us all a favor and tell your wife you are sorry.

Jarrad Saffren is a senior television, radio and film and political science major. His column appears weekly. He can be reached via email at [email protected]. @UncleSamsFilter. 

Published on August 2, 2013 at 1:30 am