Lately, my inbox has been flooded with three things: Emails from our fearless leader Kent Syverud, winter warnings from the coolest landlord in Syracuse (shout out to Ben Tupper) and finally, my least favorite, reminders for the upcoming career fairs.

There are few things less stressful than a constant reminder of the fact that you are about to graduate from college. That before you know it, getting blackout or perhaps just “brownout” drunk on a Tuesday night might be frowned upon. Showing up to work in yoga pants could be off-putting and, though I’ve never tried, I’m assuming you might lose face if you blatantly eat your lunch in the middle of a conference. The times, they are a-changin’, but I don’t think the constant presence of career fairs needs to keep shoving that in my face.

To save all of you seniors the time and stress that goes with attending a career fair, I’m going to offer you a few post-collegiate lifestyle choices that will be sure to lead you on a path to success. No resume required.

Start a band: Get a couple of your most alternative looking friends, slap some instruments in their hands and start reading a BUNCH of beatnik novels to rip off for your lyrics. If you really want to get ahead, maybe start experimenting with super weird drugs (whatever you crazy kids are into these days I’m sure will do just fine).

Create a startup company: There’s this silly notion going around that you need a genius idea to have a successful startup, but don’t believe everything you hear. We can’t all be Steve Jobs. What you really need is a garage, a white-board and markers, an excess of zip-up hoodies and at least two pairs of Converse All Stars between you and your posse. If you have all these things checked off your list, the investors are just going to start throwing themselves at you.

Open your own restaurant: There’s a misconception when it comes to opening a restaurant — a lot of people prioritize food or knowing about the food industry when really both of those points are moot. The only recipe you need to master opening your own restaurant is hiring the right eclectic mix of people. You need to hire a slightly older server who’s been waiting tables too long and is about to have a mental breakdown. You need a certifiably insane bus-person who scares the pants off of everyone — fear really brings out productivity in people. And you need a chef who is a bit above the law and is down to sacrifice the integrity of the food if customers give any lip. If you have these key ingredients, you will be the hottest joint in no time.

Bearing these foolproof plans in mind, when the career fairy comes a-knockin’, you can say not today, lady! I don’t need a comfortable job with a 401K, I have a solid game plan. Find someone else’s syr.edu address to spam.

Chelsea DeBaise is a senior writing major. Her column appears in Pulp every Thursday. She can be reached via email at [email protected] or on Twitter @CDeBaise124.

 

 

Published on February 19, 2014 at 10:06 pm