I am only at my happiest, most true form of self once every two years: when the Olympic Games are airing, and I have something to do to fill every spare minute when I am not at work or in class — and sometimes streaming on my phone or computer when I am at work or in class. I don’t discriminate; I love both seasonal games. I love ogling Michael Phelps and wondering just exactly what Ryan Lochte’s IQ is, but I also love watching the epic alpine wipeouts and the pinnacle of all athletic activity — curling.

While spending an unsettling amount of time watching the Sochi Games thus far, I have discovered that a few life lessons can be taken from these heroes among men and women that we call Olympians. There are lessons of success and triumph, but there are also some stories of tragedy and woe.

First lesson is this — sometimes, it’s OK to be a total bro. For example, when you literally tweet out a photo of a bunch of onion rings in the shape of the Olympic rings the night before the biggest athletic event of your life. And talk about how you fell asleep watching “Fight Club” that same night. And your name is Sage.

Sage Kotsenburg is one of the most entertaining figures of the games this year — and also ever. There’s something really admirable about someone who looks like they’re on salvia while being interviewed by NBC, and it just makes me love them more. Dude had not won a snowboarding event since he was 11 years old — then he won an Olympic gold medal.

And here lies the second lesson, kids — if you’re dropping out of all of your law classes, really don’t seem to be grasping the information at all and your adviser always smiles at you with sad, pitying eyes, the next move is to apply to Harvard. If Kotsenburg has taught us anything, it’s that you’ll certainly be a shoo-in.

Which brings us to the third life lesson, demonstrated by yet another American snowboarder. If you cut your hair into a Macklemore-style do, join a sh*tty indie pop band and become an inexcusable hipster, your life will come crashing down around you, literally and figuratively, and you’ll be doomed for utter failure. Shaun White, you were once perhaps the Sage Kotsenburg of this article, but now you are little more than an extremely cautionary tale.

If anyone watched the biathlon, you will have noticed that the announcer treated the entire run like he was in the stretch call. This dude is screaming about the meaning of the sport and the journey of whatever athlete is in the lead, and guess what? There were 20 miles left in the race.

The lesson here is to live life to the fullest, folks. Commentate on every moment as if it is the final 30-yards of the Olympic biathlon — even if it makes the other person providing commentary on the event sound audibly uncomfortable with your inappropriate level of enthusiasm.

And this next lesson — I cannot drive this point home hard enough — is when you have pinkeye, go home and treat it immediately. Don’t do this to us ever again, Bob. Because Matt Lauer is the absolute worst.

And the final lesson of the Sochi 2014 Winter Olympic Games is that if you’re going to be a homophobic a**hole, both personally and politically, people are going to accuse you of throwing the most corrupt Olympics ever and everyone’s going to show up to your opening ceremonies wearing rainbow costumes. Suck it, Putin!

Chelsea DeBaise is a senior writing major. She and her brother were on a curling team when she was in high school and her father is a competitive curler — not ironically. Pulp has won the gold medal for Daily Orange content, which is why she has her column run there every Thursday. Chelsea can be reached via email at [email protected] or on Twitter @CDeBaise124.

Published on February 12, 2014 at 11:38 pm