In the name of immersive journalism, I decided to get a Tinder for the weekend.

I wanted to see what all the hubbub has been about for the past year or two. For the laymen out there, Tinder is kind of like speed dating in app form. Using your Facebook info, the app just lists off people within a radius you define and with a swipe of the thumb, you can either “nope” or “like” them. Judging other people has never been so easy.

Given the fact that Tinder has so many users, I figured I’d find all kinds of interesting people on there. According to Wired, 10 million people use the app on a daily basis. With that many people, how could I not find some fascinating folks? I certainly did find some interesting people, but I kept finding them over and over again.

I then realized that Tinder is like a scary, selfie filled digital grocery store. There are around seven or eight aisles, each containing one type of food. There may be different brands, but everything in each aisle is pretty much the same at the end of the day. In a world with millions of users, I found I could easily fit those in a five-mile radius into definable groups.

When I first got the app, I was surprised by the number of sad baby boomers from Middle-of-nowhereville. Maybe these people are really just trying to find interesting people around them, or maybe there’s an active community of hook-up seeking 60-year-olds. I have nothing against them, but I found out that they miraculously disappear when you lower the age range. Verdict: left-swipe — until 2050.

One of the more frustrating users I encountered is the person who only has group pictures. They get extra points if all of their pictures are taken with the same friend. It’s great that people have friends and all, but if you want to be superficially judged, it’s best to let all the creepers know what you look like. Verdict: left-swipe.

When swiping right and left like a judgmental maniac, my swiping would often come to a screeching halt when I found a person with a shared interest. Seeing the common interest button lit up always warrants taking a deeper investigation.

Eleven times out of 10, the singular common interest that I found was Humans of New York. Every once in a while there’s a Buffalo Wild Wings in there, but if Tinder has taught me anything, it’s that Humans of New York is super popular. Verdict: left-swipe, except for the girl who also likes the Sex Pistols.

As I continued my swiping, I realized how millennials have a seemingly endless array of name variations. In the mid-90s, it must have been pretty popular for parents to just go wild with name spellings. For every Jessica there were about 800 variations of her name. Gezzikuh is cool, I guess. Verdict: variable.

My personal favorite Tinderers are those who only have the generic Facebook silhouette as their photo. That’s when you know you’ve found somebody really special. Maybe they’re just lazy, but maybe they were really sticking it to the whole instant judgment thing. Either way, they get my right-swipe every time.

I guess for what people use it for, Tinder can be a pretty useful app. But don’t you want people to know more about you than the fact that you like Humans of New York and take grainy pictures in sketchy basements with your bros or ladies? If not, then go ahead and keep on Tindering. As for me, I’d like to know a little bit more about you. I’m skeptical if there can be such a thing as love at first swipe.

Zach Schweikert is a sophomore advertising major. His Social Security Number is 7. His column appears every Thursday in Pulp. He can be reached at [email protected].

Published on October 16, 2014 at 12:01 am