As we get closer to the third full week of November, the decay of autumn that leads to winter is becoming more and more obvious. Trees are barren. Grass is dying. Yet elsewhere, there is growth.

Upon the faces of men — and hey, maybe even a few women — around the country, the facial hair is really starting to come in. At this point, No-Shave November is in full swing.

For the hairless or uninformed, No-Shave November is a pretty self-explanatory idea. Once November starts, you’ve got to lock up that razor and let your face go wild until Dec. 1.

Growing facial hair is kind of like starting an essay at midnight when it’s due the next day. Some people can pull it off and others just can’t. By now, those of us that can grow hair upon our faces — yay me — have got it going on. The facial fuzz farmer has planted his seeds, and the hair is getting ready for the harvest.

I remember the first time I shaved off my ninth grade faint-looking Michael Cera-esque mustachio, I felt greatly relieved. I was pretty embarrassed to be that kid with the mustache. But now times have changed. My lumberjack tendencies have begun to win me over.

Last year, I tried to grow a beard, but I had a hard time making it over the two-week hump. You have to accept the fact that you’re going to look more then a little unruly in that transition period. In a manner similar to Peter Parker, I’ve learned with great hair comes great responsibility.

Having facial hair definitely has its perks. For one thing, the burden of shaving is gone. It’s like I’m 9 years old again. Of course, the touch up is required every now and then, but not in November. That would be cheating.

I’ve found that people think I’m older than I am. Instead of mistaking me for a high school student touring SU for the first time, people are surprised to learn that I’m a sophomore. Who needs a fake ID when you can add two years just by being lazy? I kid, Mom and Dad, I kid.

But there are disadvantages to having a facial forest. There’s the constant fear that you’ll walk around with food stuck to your face. Those dining hall cookies are the worst offenders. Stuff can get lost in there for a while. I wouldn’t be surprised if Elvis has been hiding out in someone’s beard since 1977. While it may seem convenient to have a portable food cabinet attached to your chin at all times, it can look slightly disgusting. But, only slightly.

One of the main difficulties of No-Shave November is the fact that you can’t shave. It sounds counter-intuitive, but an important aspect of having a successful beard is keeping it groomed. My main struggle right now is my fight against the dreaded neck-beard — or as its so affectionately known, the neard. I’m getting really nervous, because the neard is coming in strong. At some point this month, it will undoubtedly connect to my chest hair. This is far from an ideal situation.

But the beard is worth the struggle. It keeps your face warm at night. While it’s not always by your side, at least it’s always on your face. It’s more loyal than a dog. How could you shave that off without feeling a little guilty? You get attached to it after a while. I understand motherhood a lot more now. This beard was born from my face, and I could never treat it so heartlessly.

By the way, if you want to find a Sharpie and draw a Shakespeare ‘stache on my picture, I give you my blessing. My face looks naked. I’ll be surprised if someone hasn’t done it already.

Zach Schweikert is a sophomore advertising major and a walrus. Goo goo g’joob. His column appears every Thursday in Pulp. He can be reached at [email protected]

Published on November 13, 2014 at 1:15 am