As a humor columnist, I know everything about love. Love and laughter are synonymous — it’s why Taylor Swift isn’t funny. I mean, come on, they both start with the letter L. So I figure this week I’ll change it up and dole out a little romantic advice. If I’ve learned anything from being Jennifer Aniston’s longtime assistant, it’s that love may take a while. But when you find it, you should hold onto it — unless the other woman is Lara Croft. Then, you give up.

The eyes are the windows to the soul, so that’s where I want to start. Eye contact isn’t everything — it’s the only thing. In every movie, the lead characters that fall in love always make eye contact first. So what should you do? Keep your options open. Make stern eye contact with every attractive person you see for at least three seconds.

Think of it as eye contact speed dating. If she’s creeped out, run in the opposite direction and start to cry — girls love the sensitive type. If she engages, then you’ve found your soul mate. Congratulations.

This extends to those in relationships as well. To spice things up in the bedroom, watch your partner go to sleep. Your significant other will feel the rush and discomfort of another person watching them.

Now that you’ve found the one, it’s time to win that person over with charm. I’ve studied the art of seduction in high schools across the country. These are the most mature and romantically intelligent people that we have, so I went into the depths of high school to learn how to love. After my semester abroad, the most valuable thing I learned from these kids is simple — when you find someone you care about, treat them like garbage. Don’t remember birthdays, don’t call regularly and never under any circumstances compliment your significant other. These are all signs of weakness, and you are the alpha.

Gift-giving is also important this time of year. Gifts shouldn’t mean anything. It’s the love you bring on a daily basis that is a true gift, but we live in a society that values money over most things (see the “Hangover” sequels). So when getting your significant other a gift, the more extravagant, the better. The goal of gift-giving is to convey a message. What says, “I am entirely dependent on you to live” more than a gift that has financially bankrupted you?

Once you’re done with those gifts, it’s time to begin the process of falling in love. People think falling in love is based on connecting intimately with a significant other. But this is boring and takes way too much time. If you want someone’s love, put him or her in life-threatening danger first. Why do superheroes always get the girl? Not because of their personalities — Spider-Man is a jerk. Superheroes save their significant other from the brink of death, and in some weird Stockholm-syndrome scenario, the rescued falls for the rescuer immediately. There’s a reason I’m a trained EMT, guys.

And finally — marriage. You two are ready to settle down, but here’s the thing. Don’t give in. Make them earn it. If they truly love you, they’ll wait however long it takes. It’s why Tim Tebow is waiting to have sex. This applies especially to women. They absolutely hate commitment. They would be far happier living as “longtime girlfriends” than ever making their relationship official or having the wedding they’ve dreamed of as a little girl. Trust me on this one — I used to date NBC’s Dr. Ruth.

So enjoy your Valentine’s Day and remember to try to forget that Syracuse is also playing Duke.

Danny Cuneo is a junior television, radio and film major. He gets all of his moves from Glenn Close’s character in “Fatal Attraction.” His column runs every Thursday in Pulp. He can be reached at [email protected].

Published on February 12, 2015 at 12:01 am