I’ve got exciting news. Neil Patrick Harris has dropped out of hosting the Academy Awards this Sunday because he’s busy filming “How I Met Your Grand-Niece,” and I’ve been chosen to replace him. All I had to do was meet two qualifications: have excessive gas and take 15 minutes to tie my tie. But because my loyal fan has endured so much, I’m going to give him a sneak peek — the opening monologue:

 

Welcome to the 2015 Academy Awards. I’m your host, Danny Cuneo, along with my co-host Weird Al Yankovic. It’s been a great year in movies with such an eclectic mix to choose from. There was a game about imitation, a theory about everything and even a movie about a fox who catches. Did I mention I haven’t seen any of these?

 

We had a movie about basketball icon and homeless Santa Claus impersonator Chris “Birdman” Andersen, a movie about boyhood that lasts almost as long as puberty and a movie about war that made enough money to justify an invasion of Iraq.

 

Incredible actors headline another year at the Oscars — Meryl Streep is here. There are only two things I know in this world — that I can’t dunk, and that Meryl Streep is going to get an Academy Award nomination every single year. You couldn’t have a higher approval rating if you saved a litter of drowning puppies. But please Meryl, if you see puppies drowning, save them.

Patricia Arquette is here. She was nominated for her role as a mom in “Boyhood,” which has mothers around the country asking, “Where’s my award?” Marion Cotillard is here as well, and thank goodness she is. For five years, I thought she was trapped in Leonardo DiCaprio’s imagination, but seeing her in person confirms she’s not in limbo.

Clint Eastwood is here. Truly an American treasure, isn’t he? Look at him — isn’t he stunning? He’s 84 years old and still producing movies that move us. He could have left moviemaking and used his new gifts, but he continues to inspire us. Of course, I am talking about his ability to talk to chairs that he showed us at the 2012 Republican National Convention. Rather than become the Eliza Thornberry of human-chair communication, he stuck with cinema and we are all better off for it.

To kick off the show, I’ve announced that I’m changing the format a little bit this year. There’s only about a handful of categories everyone really cares about, so instead of rushing everything and pushing it over the time slot and bleeding into the all-important local news, we are severely condensing tonight’s scheduled program. Best Picture, Director, Lead/Supporting Actor and Lead/Supporting Actress will be announced within the same time frame of a normal show. To make up for the immense amount of time left, each winner will present an impromptu TED talk on the topic of their choosing. I, for one, am thrilled at the possibility of Bradley Cooper talking about innovative bathroom technology.

But before we begin tonight, I would like to give a shoutout to the movies that were cruelly ignored by the Academy: “Blended,” “The Expendables 3” and “Transformers: Age of Extinction.” These films may live in the cellar of Rotten Tomatoes, but they will be fresh in my heart for eternity. In my humble but always correct opinion, Michael Bay is the modern day Orson Welles; you just have to look beyond the explosions to see his genius.

And now without further adieu, here to present best actor in a leading role, the wickedly talented Frankie Muniz.

Danny Cuneo is a junior television, radio and film major. His parents’ birthdays are this week, so he would like to wish them a Happy Presidents Day. His column runs every Thursday in Pulp. He can be reached at [email protected].

Published on February 19, 2015 at 12:01 am