Humor | Find strength in numbers as SU tries to change in 2012

Syracuse University is that white chick who sits in the back of the class, nose in her iPhone, eating at her nail buds —one-dimensional.

I've always believed that knee-length North Face jackets, abnormal skin discolorations, middle parts and girls who ask you what your letters are before asking for your name fiercely challenge any notion that Syracuse is "diverse."

So you can imagine my surprise when I stumbled upon Internet college guidebook College Prowler, which stated in its most recent 2012 statistics that Syracuse University is one of the most diverse universities in the nation.

And now, after a recent walk through the Quad, I can reassert my original conclusion: The people who make up the SU population aren't so different as they might seem.

For 2012, many students have chosen to dedicate their lives to change. Just two days ago on the Quad, I overheard an eager freshman tell his mother, "I want to write a novel this year."

As I walked farther, I overheard a slightly less eager senior whisper to his iPhone, "I'm going to wash my face every day so my girlfriend will have sex with me again —the kinky kind."

Just in the minute it took me to walk through the Quad, I immediately felt myself transition to full-on Wizard of Oz, Yellow Brick Road, half-dance-half-skip mode. I think I even became a lion at one point.

Either way, this idea of "change" inspired me to find out how Syracuse, being the diverse campus it is, planned on entering the new year.

So when I first asked my friend Mike to explain his New Year's resolution, I expected him to answer with something like, "I'm going stop uploading so many pictures of my dick," or, "I want to focus on golf. I want to get my nightly hole-in-one without bending my shaft."

But, to my surprise, Mike wisely reflected and said, "I am going to try and resist buying a Syracuse Pillow Pet from the bookstore in 2012."

It was in that moment that I realized just how much is said about a person through their answer to: "What do you want to change about yourself this year?" With just one question, people re-evaluate everything about themselves. It's life-changing —literally.

So here's a projection of 2012 based on what several students hated about themselves in 2011:

"I want to consider implants this year. In 2012, I want my boyfriend to introduce me to his friends."

— Newhouse graduate student

"I am going to eat more fruit … snacks."

— SU dining hall server

"I am going to engineer a new vegetable."

— State of New York College of Environmental Science and Forestry Quad relaxer, year unknown

"I want to rush a sorority this year."

— SU transfer student

"I want to boink more sorority chicks this year."

— Former Daily Orange humor columnist

And, for those of you who are still deciding on your resolution options, here are a few that I have kindly ponied-up:

"I will lie to my boyfriend less."

"I will trust my girlfriend more." (In response to the above.)

"I want to stop prematurely ejaculating when my roommate plays ‘Temple Run.'"

"I want to resist the urge to undress every time I watch ‘Glee.'"

Like I said. Just ideas.

As it turns out, College Prowler is 100 percent correct about us. We are an incredibly diverse population, ranging from the average straight and completely secure fraternity brother to the 12^th-year vegetable engineering major student at SUNY-ESF.

But as I look back on those responses, I see one thing that unites us all and pulls us back together: We all want change.

I walk past 10,000 to 15,000 students every day, and something about that number is comforting. As different as we all are, wanting to change for the better is the one thing we can all agree on.

Good luck in 2012, Syracuse. May you stop prematurely ejaculating, lying to those you love and doing that thing you hated in 2011.

Kara McFarlane is a sophomore television, radio and film major (assuming "radio" is even a thing anymore), and her column appears every other Thursday for your viewing pleasure. She would like to thank her closest friends for their sad willingness to help a sister out. Kara can be reached at cnmcfarl@syr.edu. Follow Kara on Twitter at @karanicolemcf.