Evan Reisers battle for Google supremacy

By: Reiser

Posted: 3/22/07

Google yourself. You'd be surprised what comes up. Be forewarned, though: you just may be led down a narcissistic and nebulous trail of no return.

It was in October of last year that Evan Reiser declared war on Evan Reiser. Not to say I don't have my inner conflicts, but I've yet to feel the psychosomatic angst necessary to declare war against myself. No, this war was in fact waged by a mysterious doppelganger who shares my good name, not over spite or nuclear weapons testing, but over our name's recognition. Apparently my place on the College of Visual and Performing Arts Dean's List was at the top of Google's search results for "Evan Reiser." My foe, an active blogger, felt slighted.

This other Evan Reiser, of San Anselmo, Ca., wrote this in an entry titled "The Battle Against this Great Nation" on his Web site, (http://evanreiser.blogspot.com/2006/10/battle-against-this-great-nation.html)

"October 24, 2006...

"I still hold the majority of territory of google: 'Evan Reiser,' but the vicious uphill battle (dare i say war) against Evan Reiser of Chula Vista, CA has begun. And so hence It was declared. And I did mean to capitalize It....The war has begun against those who hate freedom, although unbeknownst to our bitter enemies. Engage battle plan."

Who the hell is this guy? I assumed, as a painter and relatively peaceful fellow, I would have no need for reconnaissance, but I may now need my own secretary of defense. It's a small World Wide Web, after all! Although most of my knowledge of alternate realities comes from "The Twilight Zone," I've entertained the possibility that Evan Reiser-2 could be from the fifth dimension, maybe the sixth. Maybe a polar twin separated at birth, confused for myself: the true Evan.

Further googling revealed that Evan Reiser-2, as I shall refer to him, is also a regular contributor to a blog titled "Microsoft is Awesome- The #1 Microsoft Fansite." Is it not punishment enough that someone might confuse me with "Mad About You's" Paul Reiser? Quickly, a list of hypothetical blogs I'd rather be mistakenly affiliated with:

-Clubbing Baby Koalas is Awesome

-The Bee Gees were Awesome

-Curt Schilling is Awesome

And I assure you I despise all of the above. I'm not an "iTool," so to speak, but I do prefer using Macs over PCs, and I consider Microsoft the most dubious and deceitful of the powerful technological corporations. Note to Evan Reiser-2: writing a blog about how great Microsoft is probably won't help your chances in a Google search. To my expectations, Evan Reiser-2's "Microsoft is Awesome" page is now listed before mine on msn.com, but I feel even Evan Reiser-2 would admit that's like winning a Golden Globe in the field of search engine results.

I feel obligated to retaliate to my namesake's war rant with my own rebuttals.

"Although i was on the deans list at RPI (Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute) for 6 six continuous semesters in Computer Systems Engineering, they have yet to publish many of my great contributions, let alone acquire page-rank #1."

Evan, if you had more foresight you would have used your education as computer systems engineer to create an online edition of your dean's list. And what, only six semesters? Did you get senioritis?

"So what is the great nation of Evan Reiser from San Anselmo, CA to do? Well, first launch a double secret blog attack: write a blog entry with more Evan Reiser references than any other page, ever."

Unfortunately Google recognizes quality over quantity. And I state this with authoritative disregard for any factual knowledge to support that.

"Battle plan

1) Removal of Supplemental Outbound Links

2) Double our efforts in external linking and Blog Hi-Jacking

3) Increased Blog Alliance

4) Blog Terror Alert 'Orange'

5) Double Secret Project X.

6) Lower the reputation of Painting Majors"

I believe lowering the reputation of painting majors would probably just make my work more appreciated versus subservient peers of mine. I'm also having several Russian scientists out of work since the Cold War prepare a Double Secret Project Y, which will cancel out your Project X.

(At press time Evan Reiser-2's Microsoft fansite had overtaken my VPA Dean's List mention, which was in turn overtaken by my author profile at dailyorange.com. Evan Reiser looks forward to several years of Google domination over Evan Reiser.)