Horoscopes

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Posted: 2/14/05

This week, our unlicensed astrologers tell your fortune based on your favorite Valentine's Day present.

Roses

Your mad basketball skills will impress all your friends - until you sprain your wrist on a routine dunk. And by routine, we mean a shot that was obviously too ridiculously difficult for you to make.

Penis pasta

While it may not deliver "special" brownies, you'll realize Insomnia Cookies stays in business partially because of the leafy green substance after placing a late night phone order that was way more hilarious than it probably should have been.

Chocolates

Your friend will love the bag of half-eaten marshmallows you give him for his birthday almost as much as the wild-eyed expression on your face when he finally rips it from your hands.

Crotchless panties

It may not be legal for you to order alcohol at the Olive Garden, but on your next trip you'll find out that it is legal for a 1-year-old baby to imbibe. This is probably another situation in which mother does not know best.

Diamond tennis bracelet

Feeling up all of your friends - of both sexes - while drunk isn't really OK, but it helps if you treat them to Kimmel afterwards.

Giant teddy bear

Your latest attempt to "Catch 'em all" will once again be foiled by that wily Bulbasaur. And you were positive that the Spanish Fly would work. Shit.

Candy message hearts

Obviously, the best way to kill a social event is to open two apartments, tout it as "the biggest ass-job party of the year," then watch in agony as approximately 12 of your friends actually show up.

Trip to the mall

"Napoleon Dynamite" impressions are the new "Reno 911" and "Chapelle's Show" impressions. This means a) they're no longer funny and b) you should stop doing them now before your best friend punches you in the face.

Edible Underwear

Your milkshake will bring more than just the boys to the yard, when you look out the window to find the entire men's crew team having a riotous snowball fight next to your South Campus apartment. Fortunately, this is the best thing to enter your yard in weeks.

Dinner at Varsity

Last weekend taught you "The Vagina Monologues" do not actually involve talking vaginas. This weekend, you'll learn that "The Penis Prose" is not written by the male member.

Non-lubricated Condoms

You'll throw up in the bathtub because you ate too much hot meat. Enough said.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)

Mystic winds are predicting a naked presence in your life. Make sure you check not only the closet, but under your bed and outside the window before you go to sleep. Don't say we didn't warn you.